Experience is an interesting teacher. For a long time, during most of my 20s and 30s, I was seldom in serious relationships. I was dating various women…and from time to time not exactly dating, but tending to get naked with.
With these experiences, I developed several personal rules for dating and/or hooking-up.
While I am calling them rules, in reality, they’re just good guidelines. What’s more, there are some provisos, quid pro quo, and general exceptions to more than one of these.
If you are offended by any of these I apologize. They may not apply to or resonate with you. That’s fine. I’m not you, you’re not me. Also — I am a heterosexual male, so these rules are male and female connections.
Thus ends my public service announcement.
Rule # 1: No Virgins
Yes, at some point in everybody’s dating and sexual experience they are going to encounter (or be) a virgin. Before you engage in sexual intercourse you are defined as a virgin.
Once you yourself are no longer a virgin, unless you are already deeply into the person and expecting to build a long-term relationship, this is a good rule to apply.
Why? Because in my experience virgins tend to fall hard. They cling to you, and they are like a deer tick on a dog. Removing them is challenging — and unlike the deer tick, you can’t set them on fire afterword.
If you’re not getting serious with this person you will likely find that your ongoing relationship will get increasingly complicated.
This is not a sexist rule, FYI. I have had both male and female friends agree with me about the clinginess of a person whose virginity they took.
Rule # 2: No married women
During this period of my life, I got involved with a married woman.
On the one hand, they were a lot of fun. On the other hand, the baggage that they came into the situation with was an oversized matched set, and I was expected to haul it for them with brute strength because there was no cart.
In one specific instance, she was bored with her husband, and I was a fun distraction. It was, however, awkward, and of course, there was no public aspect — it was a private affair (literally).
In another instance, she and her husband separated when she and I hooked-up. Despite this, she and I wound up disagreeing a lot, and I decided the relationship was no good for either of us. In the end, she returned to her husband.
This gets a major proviso to it, of course. If the person in question was polyamorous, then this rule went straight out the window. This is about a monogamous half of a couple cheating, not a non-monogamous couple living their lives as they see fit.
Rule # 3: No drunk sex
This is not a guideline. This is a hard and fast rule (pun slightly intended). If you were new to me and you were drunk, or frankly if I was drunk, we were not having sex.
Nope. Too much chance for this to be non-consent and/or made for regret. Bad idea. Lowered inhibitions should not be necessary for there to be a sexual encounter, and I was never comfortable with this.
I have an ex who would tell you I would not sleep with her the first time because she was drunk.
This rule may be rule # 3, but it’s the most important and serious of these rules.
Rule # 4: No Geminis
Say what you will about astrology. There are lots of people who think its hooky-spooky bullshit. That’s fine. From my own personal experience, however, it’s got a basis in reality.
What am I talking about? While I have several friends who are Geminis, I wouldn’t have dated them. They tend, in my experience, to have a literal dual personality.
For example, actual conversation with a Gemini ex of mine from long ago:
Her: “I’m glad we are spending all this time together.”
Me: “Me, too.”
Her: “So how come you never spend any time with me?”
Me: “What? We’ve been together every day this week.”
Her: “Oh yes. You give me time. But I know you won’t always give me time and you won’t spend time with me and you’re always going to choose not to spend time with me. Why won’t you spend any time with me?!?”
This was not the only example I have of such a thing. I had another ex who was a Gemini who said at the beginning of our relationship that she wanted open and honest conversation.
What she neglected to say was that she sucked at that.
Everything was fine and dandy…until it wasn’t. She exploded at me from out of nowhere. I let it go the first time. The second time I also let it go but reminded her about the need for open and honest communication. The third time I said the next would be the last. The fourth time ended the relationship.
Hence my bias.
Unfair? Possibly, but this is my bias and my rules. For all I know you have a similar rule with Virgos (which is MY sign).
Also, to be fair, I have had a good relationship with a Gemini or two along the way.
Rule # 5: Don’t stick it in the crazy
I’m not going to lie. I have been with more than one woman who was not entirely sane. She had hang-ups, delusions of who she was, inexplicable expectations, or various and sundry issues that would leak into everything we did.
One such woman had an imaginary existence where her importance was far greater than it really was. Also, we were never exclusive…yet after we were done she made numerous bullshit claims about our relationship. Several were way out there, like that we’d been secretly engaged (which we were not). She was wack-a-doo.
The problem I found was that most of the crazies I was with were absolutely awesome in bed. There was fantastic, mind-blowing sex. It was just so, so amazing. Wow was there a lot of fun to be had.
But everything else, outside the bedroom (or woods, car, empty room, or wherever), was unpleasant. Not fun or easy to deal with, especially when she showed her extreme crazy to everyone later on.
When that crazy managed to involve friends and family it got super awkward, too.
These rules are not for everyone
Your mileage may vary. There may be totally different experiences that you’ve had that have created YOUR personal rules for dating and/or hooking up.
Whatever the case may be, I hope that your guidelines help you to have fun while staying sane. That’s the point of my old “rules” that I am sharing with you now.
Do you have dating and or hooking/up rules of your own?
You are worthy and deserving of using your mindfulness to find and/or create the reality in which you desire to live. When all is said and done you and I matter, whatever your experiences.