Initially, I started journaling to keep track of what was going on inside my head. There was a lot of noise, variable ideas, and things I needed to analyze and observe.
I have six notebooks full of reflection stretching back nearly 30 years. A great deal of the material in them means nothing to me now and is of no real value, save to show me where I came from.
Unchecked depression tends to dominate my old journal entries. But there were some ideas for things I desired to have and to create, as well as analyses of my life overall.
When journaling inevitably evolved into blogging, my first audience was small. If you were my friend on LiveJournal, you were getting to read my thoughts when I shared them. Again, they tended to be me-focused. A lot of reflection, trying to work out why nothing ever seemed to be where and how I desired for it to be.
As I changed, so did my writing. Eventually, while there was still a me-focus to this, I also turned it outwards. Why? Because one of the things I have always desired most to do is to help others. What can I do? How can I help? What can I do to make a difference in the lives of other people?
As I continue writing these articles, the desire to help — especially now — has only ever grown. My love of giving and sharing ideas for mindfulness, conscious reality creation, positivity, and other forms of inspiration and self-help motivate me on every level.
If I can grow and change, anyone can grow and change.
Who I was
Living in or trying to return to the past serves nobody. The past only serves as lessons for current and future growth.
One of the reasons I share my experience is to help others avoid some of the things I went through. While circumstances and outside influences can seldom be controlled by you, all the internal stuff can.
It is important, I know, that I acknowledge my privilege. I am a white male, raised in the middle class. Almost all the struggles I had to deal with were purely in my psychology. I have been very fortunate, which is why I feel I must acknowledge this right off the bat.
I was an odd kid. You know those sensitive kids who are, in some ways, super-mature that worry about nuclear war more than a bogeyman under the bed? That was me. I was a latch-key kid when I was 8 or so and started babysitting my younger sister around age 9 or 10.
I had to be reminded by my mom that I was just a kid. Emotionally, my development was off. Mind you, I knew exactly what to tell my psychologist about how I should be feeling — I just wasn’t feeling it. FYI — didn’t figure this out until my 30s via another therapist.
Vast swaths of my childhood are non-existent in my memory because I closed myself off emotionally for many reasons (no blame here — but this was largely due to my parents’ divorce when I was 5).
This would make it difficult for me, in my 20s and 30s, to establish good and healthy relationships, get and hold stable jobs, or settle in just about any way — mentally, emotionally, or physically.
This led to me being someone I didn’t like very much.
What was that about?
During my 20s and 30s, I bounced between probably a half dozen different jobs, at least a dozen relationships — oh, and I cheated on more than one woman I was dating. I loved to get attention — good or bad — even though the bad attention made me miserable.
I didn’t treat the people in my life as well as they treated me. There was a real danger that I could have become a narcissist, and though I was an empath, I had little empathy for other people. Every self-aggrandizing story I could tell I repeated a lot (and I still do this sometimes and make myself crazy when I realize that’s what I am doing).
But I had zero self-confidence, felt myself utterly unworthy and undeserving of anything and everything, and no self-esteem, either. Most of all — I didn’t like myself very much.
Not to put too fine a point on it — I was often an asshole in my late 20s and early 30s. This is probably why only a few of my friends from then are still my friends now. (For the definitive work on this, I give you my humorous but factual narrative novel — The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Trip to the Post Office.
Starting in my mid-30s, when my amazing therapist and I realized the stunting of my emotional growth, I saw this clearly. I saw the path I was going down, started understanding it for what it was, and then began taking steps to change it.
As I embraced being an empath and understood not just the idea of the feelings but the feelings themselves, I saw that I desired to heal not just myself, but help others heal, too.
And that led me here.
Using my mistakes to help others
We see stories all the time of people making the same mistakes over and over and over. It’s like they are somehow totally incapable of learning from them. Or they believe, maybe, that be repeating them again and again some variation will occur that will bring them success.
I was in that hamster wheel for a long time. I used to call myself the “King of Indecision”. My theme song was U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. I had some lousy habits, let outdated beliefs drive me, and while I wanted to change — I just couldn’t get the energy together to act on it.
Then I stopped making excuses. I began to take a closer look at why I was so unsettled. How did I allow myself to get there? And that, you see, is the key. I wasn’t blaming anyone, nor placing responsibility on someone or something else. I knew that it all came down to me. If I wanted to be someone other than who I was, only I could act to change it.
This is when I started getting into exploring self-help. I began to read inspirational and mindfulness books, listen to audiobooks and other programs and focus on taking steps to stop repeating, again and again, the same mistakes.
It was my fervent desire to not be the indecisive, untethered, unhappy, self-loathing person I was. What’s more, I started to examine and understand the underlying fear that got me there — so that I could work with and alter it.
I started more regularly making choices and decisions. And while I am still a work in progress — damn have I come a long way from where I was.
Conscious reality creation
The last 10 years have been probably some of the best years of my life. For the first time, I love myself. Not in a narcissistic, obnoxious way — in a healthy way. I love who I am now, who I was despite all the flaws, and who I believe I can still be.
Hell yes, there is still room for improvement. But that’s not a bad thing. Life is all about growing, changing, and improving. I am excited to see what each new day has to offer. Sure, on a miserable, chilly, cloudy, and rainy day like today my enthusiasm is a bit stifled — but it’s there. I just need to do some mindfulness practices to see it.
Though these notions are often blown-up into some gargantuan, end-all-be-all ideal, they’re smaller and simpler than that, by far.
The Law of Attraction is a Universal law no different from motion, gravity, thermodynamics, and so forth. You don’t have to believe in it — it believes in you. Hence, consciousness creates reality. When you choose — really choose — something you desire, you can bring it into being.
This is only a pie-in-the-sky notion when you choose something you don’t REALLY want — but think you do.
For example — you want a million dollars. Cool. BUT — if you can’t even remotely fathom this idea, maybe what you REALLY want is more than enough money to be comfortable and generous. That’s easier to consciously create than an abstract number (because if you’ve never had more than a few thousand dollars in your possession, a million dollars IS an abstract number).
It’s not “thinking small” — it’s taking an approach it’s easier to wrap your head around.
Mindfulness and positivity
Mindfulness is your conscious awareness in the here-and-now of what’s in your head. This occurs on three levels.
On the surface, the easiest to access, it’s your thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions. Knowing what you are thinking, what and how you are feeling, what you are doing and why, tells you what you can and will attract. Conscious reality creation starts here.
The next level is how that surface-level impacts your perception of the universe. Thus, it’s your mindset/headspace/psyche and overall sense of being. Who you are, looking out of your eyes at the world, is made up of this.
Then, deeper down, you find the beliefs and habits that form how you experience life. When you can reach this, you can see habits and beliefs that don’t serve you — and make choices and decisions to change them.
One thing this will show you is if you think and feel predominantly positive or negative. Given that the Law of Attraction means like attracts like, if you are in a negative mindset that’s what you attract. And that’s why positivity matters.
All three of these notions, in my experience, when aligned can make your life something beyond your wildest imagination.
When you practice mindfulness, that allows you to choose positivity over negativity. That, then, makes conscious reality creation far easier to understand and achieve.
It works. When I was recovering from serious injuries, despite being told I’d have permanent damage — like walking with a limp the rest of my life — I pushed past it. Yeah, I had amazing doctors — but even they were amazed at the speed and totality of my recovery.
Possibility and potential exist and wait for you to reach for them.
What can I do?
The point of everything I am sharing with you here is this — when it comes to the question of what can I do, the answer is to share my growth and change to help other people grow and change.
EVERYONE is capable of changing. You are worthy and deserving of making changes you desire for your life because you are here. There is no need for you to be someone special or known because you are special. Being known doesn’t make you better, worthier, or more deserving.
Life, for the human animal, is not merely meant to be survived. We are capable of incredible creations, wondrous experiences, and lives full to bursting of abundance and awesomeness.
Society loves comfort, but growth and change are uncomfortable. Still, they are worthwhile because they open you to possibility and potential.
I share all of this because I hope for you to see it as I see it. In these uncertain times, it’s all too easy to fall into negativity, fear, and hopelessness. If I can help you avoid this, and to find your way from these traps — then I am doing what I most desire to do in this world.
You are amazing. There is so much that we are capable of. Don’t sell yourself short. And if I can offer any words of encouragement — remember that you are not alone.
You are worthy and deserving of an awesome life. I do what I can to see and live mine and help you see and live yours.
Thank you for being!