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Why Do I Feel This Way?
Short answer — because life is a crazy, unpredictable ride.
For the record, depression sucks.
Most of the time I keep the black dog at bay. I do my mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises, fencing, take my meds, talk to my therapist, and other self-care actions regularly. Yet, I’m only human. Sometimes thinky-thoughts make me feel sad, rainy grey skies feel oppressive, and depression sits on my chest like my cat, but without the calming purr.
Depression can be clinical, seasonal, manic, and more. It impacts everyone differently. What’s more, how depression feels today might be very different tomorrow. It’s utterly situational and totally unpredictable.
In this instance, what I’m feeling is a mix of sadness, self-doubt, disillusion, frustration, and just a hint of anger. Why? My biggest fear has been manifesting in a certain way that I’m working on understanding.
Abandonment. Not in the all-inclusive, everyone-out-of-the-pool sense. It’s more specific, tied to people I thought I was deeply connected with and close to who then either dropped me, wandered away, stopped communicating, or some combo of all the above.
This is calling up some past situations and experiences. That, in turn, is the impetus for this current bout of depression.
